Me: Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?

Cashier: to protect people from Covid.

Me: but isn’t everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?

Cashier: no words. *Confused look.*

Me: An another thing… Why Dont you pack the grocery bags anymore?

Cashier: Because of covid 19 to reduce the spread of catching or spreading the virus.

Me: But a shelf packer took it out of a box and put on the shelf, a few customers might of picked it up and put back deciding they Dont want it, I put it in my cart then on the conveyer belt, YOU pick it up to scan it.. But putting it in a bag after you scan is risky??

Cashier : no words and confused looks.

Cashier : Paper or plastic?

A man goes to the confessional and begins, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

 

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.

 

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

 

 “When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

 

 “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

 

“Is that when you swore?”

 

“No, Father,” says the man.

 

“After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away.”

 

“Is that when you swore?” asks the priest again.

 

“Well, no,” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

 

“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed priest.

 

“No, not yet,” the man replies.

 

“As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

 

“Did you swear then?” asks the now impatient priest.

 

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

 

 The priest sighs. “You missed. didn’t you?”

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement , and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law…. But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meals!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, “Just so you
know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug.”
”OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

I present for your amusement, a quick lesson in human geography. The process is simple, as we age, our bodies tend to represent the various parts of the world we live in. It is better to know where in the world you are going as you grow older, so that you are prepared when you get there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:

• Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa – half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
• Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe – well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
• Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain – very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
• Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece – gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
• Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain – talented and self-assured, with a regal, glorious and all-conquering past.
• Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel – has been through war, knows how to protect herself, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
• Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
• After 70, she becomes Tibet – wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages … an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

• Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran – ruled by a couple of nuts.

Special Thanks to Quincy Sparrow for his help on this list. He is indeed rockstar material. Quincy is available on Twitter at @21JumpST. When he’s not actively thinking about doughnuts or world domination, he Tweets good thought provoking one-liners.