When I was in my twenties, I was not a person who watched a lot of television. I occasionally turned the TV on for background noise, but I didn’t have much interest in actively watching. I had cable because I liked to watch the occasional crime drama or criminal procedural show, but I was never one to sit and watch the Big Bang Theory, House, or Dexter.
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Category: Anecdotes
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The pastor of a small church entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another Race a few weeks later, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this sort of publicity that he told the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The pastor, following the orders of his Bishop contacted the stables informing them of the changes. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was way too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of it. The pastor decided that he would give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. After recovering, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life. Be yourself and enjoy life.
In other words: Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
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A stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard was tailgating a man. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. While in the midst of her tirade against the other man’s “stupidity”, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a police officer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the person off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at the top of your lungs. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker and the chrome-plated fish emblem on the trunk.”
“Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”
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“You were made in the likeness of a peace that nothing can disturb. Reclaim your peace that you may attain to your reason for coming into existence—the enjoyment of life.” (Ma’at – 0 law of Amen.)
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here’s a storey submitted by my mother. Not sure where she found it, but its awesome. She is truely an old dandelion.
Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went.
I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn’t in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, “Mommy, I’m over here.”
It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, “Hey Buddy, what’s your name?”
“My name is Denny and I’m shopping with my mother,” he responded proudly.
“Wow,” I said, “that’s a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Steve.”
“Steve, like Stevarino?” he asked.
“Yes,” I answered. “How old are you Denny?”
“How old am I now, Mommy?” he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle.
“You’re fifteen-years-old, Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by.”
I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the center of someone’s attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.
Denny’s mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn’t even look at him, much less talk to him.
I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I said, “There are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God’s Garden; however, “Blue Roses” are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn’t stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they’ve missed a blessing from God.”
She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, “Who are you?”
Without thinking I said, “Oh, I’m probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God’s garden.”
She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, “God bless you!” and then I had tears in my eyes.
May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don’t turn your head and walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace of GOD, this mother or father could be you. This could be your child, grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family.
From an old dandelion! Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
An RVAMaverick creation. -
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”
Martha said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
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50 years is a long time. Isn’t it?An RVAMaverick creation. -
Africa by Toto: As if revised by Ernest Hemingway
At the airport the young man heard far-off drums echoing in the night. He imagined the young woman in the plane sitting still, hearing whispers of a quiet conversation near the rear of the fuselage. He glanced down at his father’s wristwatch—12:30. The flight was on time.
The plane’s wings were moonlit and reflected the stars. The moonlight had guided him there, toward this salvation. He had stopped an older man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words, or perhaps an ancient melody, for such an occasion. The old man had said nothing at first, and instead stared cryptically into the sodden earth. Then he raised his head and turned slowly.
“Hurry, boy. It’s waiting there for you,” the old man had said.
The plane was almost gliding. The young man looked at the wristwatch again. His head spun from whiskey and soda. She was a damned nice woman. It would take a lot to drag him away from her. It was unlikely that a hundred men or more could ever do such a thing. The air, now thick and moist, seemed to carry rain again. He blessed the rains of Africa. They were the only thing left to bless in this forsaken place, he thought—at least until she set foot on the continent. They were going to take some time to do the things they never had.
He stood on the tarmac and watched as the plane came in for its landing. He heard the sound of wild dogs crying out into the night. The man thought the dogs sounded desperate, perhaps having grown restless and longing for some company. He knew the feeling. The crying of the dogs reminded him that he would need to do what he knew was right now that she was here. Of this he was as certain as Kilimanjaro rising like Olympus above the Serengeti. He had traveled and sought to cure what was deep inside him, what frightened him of himself.
The plane landed and stopped. He hurried. She would be waiting there for him.
Taken from: McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Storey origionally written by Anthony Sams
An RVAMaverick creation. -
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I am not’ giving’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me too. I have been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we have agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and you might live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”
An RVAMaverick creation. -
It would be the concert of the decade. And for such a worthy cause. The orphanage where several of the greatest of the rock stars had been raised had deteriorated to such an extreme, that it was about to be condemned and the residents scattered to other institutions around the country.
Elton John had decided he would not allow that to happen and had obtained promises from his friends, some of the greatest names in the industry, to agree to participate.
The concert would be held on the grounds of the orphanage. Enough funds would be raised to totally refurnish the institution. But the grounds where the concert would be held was in as bad a disarray as the building itself. Paint was pealing off the outer walls of the building. The grass was eight inches high. The rose gardens were primarily weeds, the swimming pool was covered with a lichen-like plant, and the walks were cracked.
The group agreed that they would not only participate in the concert, but that each of the rock stars would do his part to rejuvenate the grounds. They would do it all themselves without outside help.
And if you had visited the orphanage on that week before the concert, you would have seen an amazing sight. Paul McCartney and Sting painting the building, David Lee Roth cutting the lawn, David Bowie and Roger Daltry pulling out weeds, Bruce Springstein and David Crosby repaving the walks.
As the day of the concert approached, the participants took a tour around the grounds. Everything looked great. Until they reached the swimming pool which was still covered with the thick green growth. John checked his roster
to see who was supposed to clean the pool, and found him sitting at the side of the pool staring out into space.It was Mick Jagger, and he had not done the job he had been assigned. John approached Jagger to ask what had happened, and received the solemn answer almost in tears.
“You should have known, I couldn’t do it,” Mick replied, “A Rolling Stone gathers no moss.”
An RVAMaverick creation.
Its Kevin 